Striving to be Ordinary?

 Ordinary has become an insult in the 21st century.

[Goodness, I didn't know that.]

No one aspires to be average, that sounds mediocre and dull: they want to excel.

[So that's what I must be then - mediocre and dull.]

Everyone now dreams of being extraordinary, talented, gifted, different, unique in their own way.

[I don't really remember my dreams.]

It's all about "main character energy" as Gen Z. calls it. Nothing less, we have become convinced, will make us feel contented and fulfilled

[Are Gen Z Chinese? Don't they believe in energy flow when using holistic medicine?]

We need to max our lives in every way, push ourselves to the limit, perfect our daily routines and sleep schedules, curate our existence and compete to win.

[This sounds very complicated to me. Is there to be any time for the craic and banter? The pub? Reading? Walking? No time to stop and stare?]

A Portrait with Books
Madge Gill (1882-1961)
Photo Credit: London Borough of Newham [CC BY] 

Otherwise we believe we have failed and haven't lived up to our potential. It's all about reaching goals, standing out, being the most accomplished and polished person in the room, admired and lauded by our peers.

[Has this outlook been imported from the United States of America?]

To do this without attracting too much envy, we increasingly have to create a backstory of overcoming adversity in our struggle to achieve. The most successful now feel the  need to make it clear that their path was rocky to garner sympathy. Their success can't be due to luck or others will feel they haven't sweated their way to the top. It's all about the climb: the disadvantaged childhood, the disabilities, the failures along the way.

[Will someone create a story for me as I'm not very good at telling lies?]

Celebrities and politicians often make it clear in interviews that they should be admired for scrambling to the summit against the odds, for their bravery in continuing despite a disability, illness or impoverished beginnings...

[Does anyone give a monkey's about what celebrities or politicians say or do?]

But perhaps we've got it all wrong. A new book by the bestselling Japanese psychologist Ichiro Kishimi, The Courage to be Ordinary, wonders whether our quest for perfection, creating the ideal origin and striving to be a superior human being, as Nietzsche suggested, is instead leaving most of us disappointed and distressed. It is not producing a planet of self-assured, high achieving individuals who won't tolerate second best, but leaving the majority feeling exhausted, inadequate and unfulfilled.

[So Kishimi is the first person who has thought and expressed these ideas? How marvellous.]

Looks need to be maxed, jaws snatched, lips plumped; steps have to be counted, vitamin pills popped. Good enough won't do any more when Hinge is bombarding the young with images of perfect physiques, Instagram feeds are filled with with laughing families and gorgeous holiday snaps, and LinkedIn highlights those who feel "humbled" by their next promotion.

[Oh goodness I'm way behind in all of this. I really feel depressed. Does anyone know a good therapist?]

Mothers and fathers feel the need to be exceptional parents, attentive and nurturing at all times; teachers must praise their pupils, giving them the leads in the school assembly, places on teams and singling them out for greatness; children, meanwhile, have to ace their grades.

[But aren't parents supposed to prepare their children for a life of crime and imprisonment?]

Even breakfast is an event now, a treasure hunt to find the ultimate pastry and the perfect ground coffee bean for the young. 

[No full English breakfast and a cup of tea then?]

But this obsession with outdoing each other, Kishimi explains, is ultimately counterproductive. Aspiring to be special creates tension. Children shouldn't need to prove their worth by pitting themselves against their peers; they should use their school years to experiment and discover their interests and talents in their own time, whether in the classroom, playing an instrument or messing about with a ball. They shouldn't judge their abilities only against others or worry that they need to become noteworthy.

[Old fashioned ideas at least fifty years old.]

No wonder this generation is so anxious. Too many now freeze and give up, joining the ranks of Neets. 

Anxiety, Head of a Girl
Jean-Baptiste Greuze (1725-1805)
Photo Credit: Victoria Art Gallery  [CC BY-NC-ND] 

Adults, meanwhile rank everything from hotels to films, books, albums, air fryers and shower heads - nothing is too trivial to be compared. The pressure is on to pick only the best each time if you can afford it; if you can't you are left feeling fobbed off. It's hard not to feel resentful about your one-star substitute.

[I've just discovered I'm not a normal adult.]

Attributes such as thoughtfulness, empathy and kindness aren't rated, it's all about perfecting home, career, hobbies and heath. Yet the more they strive to be exceptional and stand out from the crowd, the more these people appear conformist.

It is not only Kishimi who is warning against perfectionism. Avram Alpert, in his 2022 book The Good-Enough Life, suggested that this constant competition to outdo each other drives over-consumption and prevents us from appreciating what we have already. Northern Europeans are perplexed by this obsession with winners and losers. Norwegians value being fine or as good as their neighbour.

The Danes have a word for it,  Janteloven (the law of Jante), a social code that discourages boasting and promotes cohesive effort. It's not about slacking off, giving up or dumbing down, but enjoying the process rather than agonising over individual results.

[There must be Norwegian or Danish blood in my veins.]

If everything is a competition almost everyone is disappointed. When running, it should be enough for the majority to cross the finish line of their local Parkrun or occasional half marathon and celebrate with a drink, yet now celebrities feel the need to complete several ultra events, preferably in the desert or up a mountain, and boast about the results.

Enough now. Liberate yourself from the relentless pursuit  to stand out, says the 70-year-old Kishimi. This constant striving for perfection, comparing yourself to others and looking for external validation is more likely to make you unhappy.

Stop worrying about success; real confidence keeps its silence. Have the courage not to care whether you appear ordinary. This isn't failure, it's freedom.

(Alice Thomson, The Times, 2026)