Presidential Address

 

Make America Great Again
Ashley Rawson
Photo Credit: Gordon Baird 

I'm shouting at you tonight so you can hear me over the cheers for the All-Florida Ultimate Cage Fighting Championships being held next door in the Carmen Miranda Chica Chica Boom Ballroom. Beautiful, beautiful ballroom. Come visit! All the surf 'n'turf you can eat Thursdays. And MORE good news.

There's a ceasefire. Which means you have to stop firing. Unless you don't want to, like my pal Bibi, who's enjoying a PEACEFIRE! Firing for PEACE. But me, I'm done with firing. I fired Kirsti Noem. I fired Pam Bondi. One by one they're all disappearing off the hit list. Who's next? JD Vance after the peace talks. Maybe the Iranians don't like bearded fanatics!? So maybe the firing will start once again. Who knows? Not me! Or maybe I do. 'Cos the Iranian people, they love me bombing. They miss my bombing. They want it SO BAD! Fact! But maybe they can't have my bombing. Maybe my bombing is for Cuba and Greenland! But will Nato join me when I attack Nato? NO WAY!!! Those guys are cowards. I can feel it in my bone spurs. Yes, where are your allies when you need them - Joe Rogan, Tucker Carlson, Marjorie Taylor-Greene? American traitors all of them.

Not patriots. Just like that crazy religious fanatic - the Pope. BAD GUY! Everybody says so. Nobody likes POPUS. Very low IQ and not a good Christian like me and BAD on foreign policy. The guy wants to kick the moneymakers outta the temple! Bad Pope! Not a Catholic. Fact! Even worse, he's a PACIFIST and a LIBERAL! If Loser Leo bothered to read the Bible, like I do, he would know that Jesus H Christ  himself preached "Blessed are the warmongers, for they shall inherit the rare earths". Gospel Truth Social! And since I've been talking we won another BIG victory. We won the moon!  Or the DONALD J TRUMP MEMORIAL MOON as it's now called. What a great rocket - and it didn't even land on an Iranian school or hospital! That's what I call a big beautiful bigly rocket!

But now I hear the fighting has started again. And I'm giving an ultimate ultimation to those Ultimate Cage Fighters! Stop fighting guys! And ladies! Stop fighting NOW within TWO WEEKS or I'll OBLITERATE YOUR CIVILIZATION!!!! Or maybe I won't. Thank you for your attention to this nutter.

(Private Eye, No 1673, 2026)