Presidential Address

I'm talking to you from the Mar - a - Lago Situation Room and Air - Fryer salesman of the Year all -you -can -eat barbecue 'n' cocktail bar. So I'm going to keep it short 'cos I don't want to disturb those guys. Great guys. Everyone says so. Right. So, here it is. THE WAR IS OVER! Nearly. Not that it was a war. Or IS a war. It was a short term excursion. Like a trip to Epstein Island. Not that I ever went there. Never liked him! Creepy guy whenever I met him. Which I didn't. Yesterday's news. Like the war. Which is very complete. So complete that this is just the beginning. Or possibly the end. Or the end of the beginning or the beginning of the middle of the end.

Make America Great Again
Ashley Rawson
Cathcart Road, Glasgow [CC BY]

You see - I'm quoting the great English war leader Winston Mandela. Good old Winnie. No one called him LOSERIE, did they? He was WINNIE! Like me. FACT! Okay, so they've appointed a new leader and they didn't even ask me! It's his son. Not a nice guy. Also called Ayatollah Khamenei. Weird. Haven't they got any other names? What about Donald Khamenei? Or Ayatollah Donald Junior! Shake it up, guys.

And they tell me this new Ayatollah is a fanatic who's going to spread terror around the world. Okay. My kind of guy. Someone I can do business with! Or maybe I'll just kill him! Who knows? - I don't. We could capture him - but where's the fun in that? But whatever. Our business in Iranistan is done! They have no army! They have no navy! They have no airforce! But enough about Britain! I don't need Loser Starmer! War's over! I'll say it again! War is over! John and Yoko sang it. (Trump sings) 'All we are saying is Give Peace Prize to Me! Great singer that Yoko! Everyone says so.

Journalists keep asking me, "Oh, Mr President, please tell us how long is this war going to last?" What a stupid question fromr the failing lamestream media. Don't ask me! Ask Bibi. I don't know. I don't know how long this speech is going to last. Could be hours, could be weeks, could be years. Could stop right now. Oh, hold on - breaking news! Just one important thing to say: Yes, Air-Fryer Salesman of the Year 2026 is Frank Murtz. Well done, Frank! Raise those chicken wings and MAGAritas for Frank! Mission accomplished! Thank you for your attention in this matter."

(Private Eye, No 1671, 2026)