Kind and Nice are not the same

The Smiling Amazon
Alexander Christie (1901-1946)
Photo Credit: Aberdeen Archives, Gallery & Museums  [Public Domain] 

 ... Being nice is all about how you wish to be viewed, whereas being kind means doing what is right - never mind the optics.

Nice is telling your friend that her speech is fantastic - being kind is pointing out that it's filled with bad jokes, none of which will work with the intended audience. Nice is ignoring the letter from school about nits because your daughter has curly hair that is impossible to untangle without hurting her - being kind is carefully combing through it every night for a week to ensure her head is free from the itching, even if she hates it.

Being nice can be actively harmful\too. When it's disingenuous, it's a superficial kind of action. It leads us to doing hurtful things because our focus is on ourselves and how others perceive us.

It's difficult, especially for women. So many of us have been conditioned to people-please: be nice, don't rock the boat, don't upset things. Nice people smile a lot; they make you feel good in the moment but their niceness can blind you to ulterior motives. How often do people comment on how nice something was, how charming, only to discover too late that they were a terrible human. Ted Bundy was nice, he was handsome and charming. Monsters often are.

But nice also harms us. I know a great many women my age (myself included) who have said yes to dates we didn't want, to meals we didn't enjoy - even to marriage proposals - simply because we were taught that it mattered that other people thought we were nice girls.

Kind people, on the other hand, often cause scenes. They stand up for what is right, they put themselves out, and do not worry about their personal inconvenience. They rarely concern themselves with how people see them. Their energy goes on doing the right thing, no matter how difficult that might make things for themselves...

I started to care less about how other people saw me, which was surprisingly freeing. Instead, I started to concentrate on doing the right thing. It was difficult and went against instincts I didn't even know I had. But I began to be more upfront and honest about things.

I found that I was better placed to give people constructive criticism - not by being rude or abrasive but by gently making suggestions...

Getting older, I realise more and more that doing the kind thing matters to me. I've spent too much time trying to be nice, trying to not upset people. Being nice is exhausting: you expend so much energy presenting yourself in a favourable light, and you get no thanks for it. One huge benefit of ageing is you stop caring so much what other people think of you. You are free to be kind, to do the right thing. I sleep much more easily because of that.

(Ann Russell, The Guardian, 2025)

An interesting and perceptive article. Isn't teaching a profession where constructive criticism is given many times a day to various pupils in various academic subjects? Where bad behaviour is corrected not ignored? Where part of that education involves the fostering of a critical spirit which leads, hopefully, to a more independent thinker? An individual not a follower of influencers?