Beauty and the Beast

 Sometimes I feel like I have two jobs. One is my day job as a writer for The Times. The other is what's beginning to feel like a full-time career perfecting my night-time beauty routine.

Beauty and the Beast
John Dickson Batten (1860-1932)
Photo Credit: Birmingham Museums Trust [Public Domain]

At the moment, it begins with 45 minutes in a red-light sauna blanket that is meant to help inflammation and muscle recovery. While that's going on, I also whack on an LED face mask with a blue light function, which is supposed to help to manage my acne, and a hair mask meant to strengthen my hair.

Once that's over and I've showered, I spend another 15 minutes attempting to meditate while sitting in front of a red LED panel, which is supposed to help to manage wrinkles and stress. Then it's back to the bathroom to begin the eight-step skincare routine that involves double cleansing, serums, oils, moisturisers and various face sculpting tools.

Then time for dinner, before kicking off a series of "gut health hacks". A shot of aloe juice, a cup of peppermint tea, then a healthy amount of castor oil rubbed onto a piece of fabric strapped around my stomach.

If I'm feeling particularly jazzy, I'll stand on the "shake plate" I bought for £30, which according to online beauty influencers, is apparently "the best way" to lymphatically drain yourself. All this before taking some magnesium, putting on mouth tape and slathering on anti-ageing hand serum. The only good thing is that by the time this whole time-consuming and expensive palaver is over, I'm so exhausted I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Only now I have another thing to add to my list: the £52 Seamless Face Wrap, designed by the queen of beauty rituals herself, Kim Kardashian...

It may sound mad to most of you but to Gen Z women like me (I'm 29) such paraphernalia is par for the course...

There are elements of my evening routine that I have grown to like, such as carving out time for myself and giving myself the chance to unwind before bed. But while some of these tips and tricks improved my sleep and skin, can I see a dramatic difference in my look after all the time spent on it every night? Not particularly. Has there come a point when this routine can feel suffocating and exhausting? Definitely. Although most of us know a piece of fabric won't keep us from ageing, it seems social media has made us all so petrified of looking our age, we would rather take the chance than risk not having tried everything we can to stave  it off...

(Chiara Brown, The Times, 2025)

A sauna blanket. A face mask. A hair mask. Then a shower, meditation and yet another session with a glowing LED panel. But wait, that's not all. A skincare routine designed to permanently damage what's left of your face. Then dinner - was it a tomato? A few glasses of wine to accompany your food? No chance. Aloe juice and peppermint tea. What's for dessert? Oh yes - some magnesium. Does all this sound mad to me? Certainly not. Isn't it only weird people who wash their face and brush their teeth five minutes before going to bed? Surely everyone puts on mouth tape and sits in front of a red LED panel? And don't you be having second thoughts about your beauty routine, Believe the influencers on social media - you know it makes sense.