The British Way of Avoiding Awkwardness

 

Mrs Raynes's Tea Party
Henry Tonks (1862-1937)
Photo Credit: Aberdeen Art Gallery and Museums [Public Domain]

Society feels instinctively that manners are more important than morals, Oscar Wilde wrote, and tortuous politeness that masks true meaning can even be read in Beowulf.

Centuries later, British conversations are regularly strewn with polite phrases that try to conceal seething resentment or avoid awkwardness, research shows.

These include "Sounds fun, I'll let you know" (translation: "I've no intention of coming."), and "I'm sure it's just me" (translation: "This is entirely your fault but I'm trying to soften the blow").

Almost half of people told researchers that they uttered such phrases, which were used about 14 times a day.

Trinity College London questioned 2,000 adults to create a list of the British phrases most regularly to avoid disagreements or social discomfort.

"Could I just squeeze past you?", when someone is in your way has been used by 48 per cent of people. "Sorry I'm a bit busy right now", was regularly said by 41 per cent, rather than asking to be left alone, and almost as many uttered "No rush, whenever you have a minute", even in an urgent situation.

Two passive-aggressive classics were also popular: "With all due respect" as a buffer to voicing a strong opinion, and "As per my last email" as a polite way of saying "I already told you this."

Some popular phrases mean the complete opposite, including "Not to worry!" translating as "This is a disaster but I'll pretend everything is fine"; "It could be worse", meaning "It's pretty much the worst thing that's ever happened"; and "I'll bear it in mind", meaning "I'll forget about this immediately".

Others were slightly more ambiguous, such as "I hear what you're saying" (I completely disagree with you) "That's one way of looking at it" (you're wildly off the mark) and "Just a gentle reminder" (I can't believe you haven't done this yet).

Of those polled, 72 per cent felt using polite phrases to defuse a situation was a very British trait and 46 per cent said they used them to be nice and avoid unnecessary tension.

Ben Beaumont, head of English language teacher strategy at Trinity College London, said "Polite-isms are used extensively, often reflecting our preference to be indirect to avoid confrontation. But they're actually not a new trend. There are even examples in Beowulf, which was composed between the 7th and 9th centuries...

The top ten

"Ooh, could I just squeeze past you" (Please move out of my way)

"Sounds fun, I'll let you know" ( I'm not coming)

"I beg your pardon?" (I'm fuming)

"Sorry I'm a bit busy right now" (Please leave me alone)

"No rush, when you have a minute." (Please hurry up)

"With all due respect" (You're wrong, and here's why)

"As per my last email (I already told you this)

"Sorry, could you say that last bit again" ( I wasn't listening to a word you were saying)

"I hear what you're saying" (I completely disagree with you)

Not to worry" (This is a disaster but I'll pretend everything is fine)

(Nicola Woolcock, The Times, 2025)

The Argument
Austin Andrew Wright (1911-1997)
Photo Credit: The Hepworth, Wakefield [CC BY-NC] 

Britons Avoiding Confrontation

It is an innate part of Britishness, however that is defined, to avoid confrontation in social surroundings. Whereas some cultures thrive on seeking out a good argument, spend a few minutes with someone from these rainwashed isles and you will know that it is absolutely not the case here. This reticence is not merely superficial. It speaks to something deep in the British psyche: a preference for restraint over excess.

As William of Wykeham, the former chancellor of England, stated: "manners maketh man". The nation has taken this to heart in its everyday language, habitually muffling potential conflict with euphemism and understatement.

New research underlines the extent to which everyday British conversation is softened by polite turns of phrase designed to conceal true feelings, especially those of anger or irritation. According to a survey by Trinity College London, an English language awarding body, half of 2,000 adults surveyed said they regularly deployed phrases to dodge disagreement or confrontation. These include classic turns such as "Could I squeeze past you" (translation: please get out of my way immediately), Sounds fun, I'll let you know" (I have absolutely no intention of coming to your social engagement), "I beg your pardon" (you have been unbelievably rude) and "Sorry, I'm a bit busy right now" (please go away).

The British, it seems, excel at saying the exact opposite of what they mean. "Not to worry" signals growing panic. "it could be worse" means that it absolutely couldn't be. And "I hear what you're saying" means that the speaker has already forgotten what you've just said.

Yet, faced with the alternatives, the hard edges of American discourse or the snark in French dialogue, such "polite-isms" should be welcomed. They are, after all, the lubricant of daily life.

Well, that was fun, wasn't it? We really must do it again some time.

(Times Editorial, 2025)

It is an innate part of Britishness, however that is defined, to avoid confrontation in social surroundings.  This is normally true. When there is a traffic jam you won't hear the noisy barrage of horns. But football fans are another matter!

The nation has taken this to heart in its everyday language, habitually muffling potential conflict with euphemism and understatement. Yes, irony, sarcasm and understatement abound making it difficult for some foreigners to understand the real meaning of what is being said. Examples: "It's a bit chilly" (when it's freezing). Or saying, "Oh, great!" when something bad happens.