Verzogerungen im Betriebsablauf

 According to its own statistics, only 58.4% of Deutsche Bahn's long distance trains ran on time this September. You need only enter a station to know things have gone badly wrong. There is a constant drone of tannoy announcements: indeed this is the melody that now accompanies all rail travel in Germany. Even if your train isn't mentioned as late or cancelled in the announcement, it doesn't mean you are safe. Once there is a slight delay, the minutes begin adding up in a ripple effect, as any train that loses its slot on the overcrowded tracks can be forced to wait its turn in the system.

We don't even talk much about train delays any more. Only occasionally do you read about, say, the Swiss refusing to allow late-running German trains on to their network. Anyway, why talk about dreary delays, when it is so much more fun to discuss the excuses given by German rail. My favourite is an expression that might one day be emblematic of contemporary Germany. I hear Deutsche Bahn wants staff to stop using it, but it can't banish it from our minds, Verzogerungen im Betriebsablauf - "operational delays" - is meaningful and meaningless in a way that only the German language allows.

Berlin Street Scene
Lesser Ury (1861-1931)
Photo Credit: Ben Uri Collection [CC BY-NC-ND] 

Verzogerungen im Betriebsablauf is the magic phase for not getting anywhere fast while also suggesting everything is full steam ahead. It is sinister in a beautiful way. It is a phrase Kafka might use if he were writing today, a perfect description of a situation in which no one can do anything but everyone is busy.

In this weird Kafkaesque world the passengers have become part of the machine, running from one platform to another because Deutsche Bahn switched them at the last minute. Carriages are then full of people discussing train alternatives with their fellow commuters and, of course, because this is Germany, explaining how and when a system we once considered near-perfect all went wrong...

It is so good to hear that excuses given for late or delayed trains are common in the UK and Germany. Management mis-speak, it seems, is of epidemic proportion in both countries. When train drivers announce something in the UK it sometimes contains something humorous. Some examples:

"Apologies for the delay. We've been asked to make announcements if we wait for more than thirty seconds, so this is that announcement."

"The next stop will be Doncaster. The mother-in-law lives in Doncaster, so a good reason not to get off."

"We have arrived early as the driver had an extra weetabix for his breakfast."