Pay Review Boards, BP Profits, Charlatans

 The eight public pay review boards, we are constantly told, are independent of government and they have just recommended below inflation pay increases for 45 per cent of all public sector staff.

The eight boards, which cover 2.5m public sector staff , announced their pay recommendations the day before inflation hit 9.4 per cent. Although it was recommended that NHS cleaners and porters receive a 9.3 per cent rise, most staff were recommended no more than 5 per cent.

Particularly hard done by was one of Truss's favourite groups of public sector employees, the armed forces, who have their own pay review board. They face having to take the "offer" of a 3.5 per cent rise on the chin as it is illegal for a non-civilian member of the armed forces to join a trade union, let alone strike.

The extent of the eight pay review bodies' independence can be gauged by the fact that their chairs are appointed by the prime minister! Ministerial sway extends to the other members of the boards, each of which has six to eight members, either appointed by the relevant secretary of state or the PM.

As for the remaining 55 per cent of public employees, whose pay is negotiated between employers (such as local authorities) and staff representatives (usually trade unions), they too may feel hard done by. Office for National Statistics data for the three months to the end of May showed private sector pay, including bonuses, rose by 7.2 per cent. Over the same period, that 55 per cent of public sector workers had average pay rises of 1.5 per cent.

(Private Eye, No 1579, 2022)

BP defends mega profits

Oil giant BP has defended making record profits of £6.9bn in the three months between April and June as energy prices spiked, saying those profits will now be reinvested.

This reinvestment is said to be crucial to the nation's future prosperity - and will see millions of pounds pumped into luxury villas, superyachts and private planes for BP board members.

"By reinvesting in floating palaces and fast sports cars, we're also doing our bit for the company as these things consume a hell of a lot of petrol," said a BP spokesman, chewing on a £50 note.

"And thanks to our bonuses, we're just about the only people who can afford to buy them. That is why it is vital there should be no windfall tax on ourselves."

(Derek Gusher, Oil Correspondent, Private Eye, No 1579, 2022)

Charlatans

The Charlatan
Franz van Mieris the elder (1635-1681)
Photo Credit: City of London Corporation [CC BY-NC]

We may laugh at medieval potion-makers but online vendors of herbal tinctures and wellness eggs are little different...

We with our lotions and potions, our tonics and tinctures, our Selfridge's beauty halls of eternal youth. The ingredients may have changed but the wishful thinking stays the same. Extract of seaweed, concentrate of ashwagandha, elixir of white willow bark, boswellia, Chinese skullcap and feverfew. (I make none of this up. It's all there on Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop.) Holistic ayurvedic, biodynamic antioxidant, harvested by the light of a waning gibbous moon.

At the less organic end of the spectrum we inject plastics, plumpers and fillers into our bottoms, breasts and lips. They had their grimoires, herbals and almanacs; we have Instagram, Reddit and blogs.

Pain can make you desperate, unhappiness even more so. If modern doctors have failed to cure your migraines, you may well be willing to try magic mushrooms, over-the-internet teas and even LSD. If you're on the last throw of the IVF  dice and you hear that friends of a friend of a friend got pregnant after seeing a shaman in the Pyrenees, what's a cheap flight? A fool and his money are soon parted; a sick and frightened fool, sooner...

When Goop suggests jade yoni wellness eggs - woo-woo for your noo-noo - we're in the world of peppercorns. We wince at leeches and bloodletting but sign up for colonic irrigation and vitamin IV drips. "Taking it regularly is key," reads the rubric on the Gut Microbiome Superpowder - $58 for 20 sachets on Goop. The more you take, the better you feel. (The more you take, the more you buy.)

Question the modern mumbo-jumbo mongers. Raise a plucked and sceptical eyebrow at the glowing Instagram witchdoctors. Above all, beware weasels.

(Laura Freeman, The Times 2022)