Giles Coren on thick people

 

The Dunce
Harold Copping (1863-1932)
Photo Credit: Russell-Cotes Art Gallery & Museum [CC BY-NC-ND]

After nearly three years of deliberashuns, the International (Internashunal, surely?) English Spelling Congress has voted for a noo set of spelling rools, called Traditional Spelling Revised (TSR), to "become the new norm", eliminating silent letters such as the "w" in "wrong" and making changes to up to 18 per cent of words, "making English easier to learn" on the back of news that 200,000 children will leave primary school this year unable to read and write properly.

So, yeah, fine, go on, lower the bar. That's the way to do it in education now. Too many thick kids leaving our schools? Then redefine "thick" and, woohoo, you've got a generation of geniuses... hang on. If they're simplifying spelling, then surely they must do the same with maths. The younger me would have been laughing.

"Coren, what's two times two?"

"Er, nine, sir?"

Good enough, lad! Have a place at Cambridge to read astrophysics!"...

(Giles Coren, The Times, 2021)

Last week the sporting world was up in arms because a new, simplified cricket contest, The Hundred, will call batsmen "batters" and wickets "outs", in the hope that these simplifications (the Spelling Congress no doubt approves) will make the game more appealing to thick people. Specifically, Americans, with all their lovely money.

But that's old hat since the weekend now that football, a sport that was already simple, popular and money-obsessed, is to get its own lucrative new competition in the form of a European Super League. The format of the game itself will remain the same - it'll still be 22 poorly educated young racists spitting at each other and pretending to be injured - but, as in The Hundred, a new terminology will be introduced, with players being called "Judas", clubs being called "bastards" and fans restyled simply as "mugs".

(Giles Coren, The Times, 2021)

Stupidity

The Maniac, 

George Dawe (1781-1829) 

Photo Credit: Royal College of Physicians, London [CC BY-NC-ND]

…But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt after all these years it’s that some people can be really, really stupid. It’s only recently, after all, that a dentist had to warn people not to try to whiten their teeth with Domestos. He said he had seen many patients who had been splashing in their mouth the same bleach they put down the crapper. This from supposedly the most intelligent life form.

…Full Fact, a charity, was this year appointed by Facebook to challenge misinformation and found, for instance, a post, encouraging heart attack victims to cough “repeatedly and very vigorously”. Yes, that should do it. Shame on you, cardiac specialists, for keeping this simple health hack from us all this time.

Another, shared by 60,000 people, said that tampons should be used to treat knife wounds. If that were the case don’t you think Tampax would have milked the living bejesus out of it?

Now there is a view – a harsh one, but we don’t take any prisoners here on Times2 – that if you are thick enough to consult Facebook and all its weirdos and conspiracy theorists for life-or-death health advice and not a professional, then you have no one to blame but yourself. If you were being very harsh you might even argue that this is evolution’s way of thinning the herd, ensuring the survival of the fittest. Go on then mate – drink your own urine to cure reflux, or rub bacon on your warts that you obviously caught by touching an angry toad. See if we care. Shorter queues at the GP for us…

(Carol Midgley, The Times, 2019) 

Using Facebook or following celebrities’ advice on medical matters rather than a professional surely indicates non compos mentis. Below are the “cures” according to Giles Coren.

1. Insert a hard-boiled quail’s egg straight from the fridge, into the anus to ease haemorrhoid pain.

2. Use fresh urine to remove stubborn ear wax.

3. If you witness someone having a fit in the office, staple their tongue to their cheek to prevent them swallowing their tongue.

4. If you suffer diarrhoea while travelling and don’t have suitable medicine, ingest road dust to stiffen the stool. Not soil, which contains nutrients, but road or pavement dust.

(The Times, 2019)