British Press Nonsense

            Generalisations of the British press.

 We’d all like to live longer.

No we wouldn’t.

Everyone’s talking about Maggie Smith’s return to the stage.

(The Times, 2019)

                    No we’re not.

Why we all love Arnie Hammer.

(The Times, 2019)

No we don’t. Who is he?

We love to binge on TV series.

(The i, 2019)

No we don’t.

“In 2019 it is possible to construct entire lifestyles – entire identities – around the stuff we eat. You might think: “That’s not me! I don’t do that!” But the truth is that, to one degree or another, you probably do. Everyone does. From part-time vegans to kimchi fetishists to politicians who think that a trip to Nando’s is their “Ich bin ein Berliner” moment, we’re all guilty. The question is how guilty?

Not guilty. Everyone does not construct entire lifestyles – entire identities – to one degree or another - around the stuff we eat.

Thanks to the pervasive influence of social media we all aspire to have gleaming smiles.

(The Times, 2019)

No we don’t.

Why we’re all clicking on the new label Kitri.

(The Times, 2019)

No we aren’t.

Brenda Wolfe writing to Times Feedback.

“I am getting a bit fed up with the use of the word “all” in The Times, particularly in the fashion pages; this season we are all wearing red or beige or clashing patterns or whatever. As I rarely see anyone dressed like the pictures in the fashion pages, I would dispute the veracity of the statement, even accounting for journalistic hyperbole.

The reply:

It’s true, we are fond of a “what we’re all wearing/eating/watching/talking about” headline. Hyperbolic it may be, but it reflects that there’s a buzz around the subject which, while not   necessarily universal – yet – is, we think, worth mentioning. After all, our fashion, arts and features teams are meant to have their ears to the zeitgeist and we expect them to pass on the latest action from their section of the front.

There seems to me to be three reasonable responses to this school of headline:

Hurray, they've noticed. Aren't I the trendy one?

Oh, I'm not. Should I be? What am I missing?

The Brenda Wolfe, or rugged individualist, option. I'm not and I'm blowed if I'm going to be either. Count me out.

1 You can take your pick, but don’t expect us to stop trying to tip you off.

(Rose Wild, The Times, 2019)

“A buzz around the subject” and “ears to the zeitgeist.” Amen. Hallelujah.

Shock has reverberated around Britain after Lorraine Kelly said on live TV that she sleeps in her bra.

(Carol Midgley, The Times, 2019)

No shocks here. Who gives a monkey’s about her sleeping in a bra?

“The reason we all love Victoria Beckham is that she’s the queen of reinvention,” says Hattie Brett, the editor of Grazia magazine.

(The Guardian, 2019)

Hattie, we don’t. You’re wrong.

*Geek status used to connote a small subsection of society who took an obsessive interest in stuff the mainstream didn’t and invariably paid the price in terms of social exclusion. Now you’re an outcast if you’re not into stuff like Avengers or Games of Thrones. Everyone wants to talk about this stuff – with friends, on social media, in online forums, with colleagues, with complete strangers.

(Steve Rose, The Guardian, 2019)

Unclean, unclean – I’m a leper at last.

Why we all started ordering weak beer.

(The Times, 2019)

Mine is 4.8% Volume. Does that count?

It probably beats the weather prospects to be the question most asked over the bank holiday weekend: “Has Meghan had her baby yet?”

(The Sunday Times, 2019)

I heard no one ask the question.

I meet the cookery writer Nigel Slater for breakfast at the Soho restaurant Quo Vadis, where he orders avocado on toast (sourdough), so I order avocado on toast (sourdough), because that’s all any of us eat now, avocado on toast (sourdough).

I’ve never eaten avocado on toast.