Albert Finney, Mock the Hypersensitive, Prom Nonsense, Letters

                                                            Obituary

                            The Obituary, in The Times, 2019, of the actor Albert Finney.

The Order of Knighthood Conferred on Don Quixote by the Inn Keeper
 Robert Smirke (1753-1845) 
Photo Credit: Tate [CC BY-NC-ND]

…What was undeniable, however, was that he was considerably less infatuated with fame and acclaim than some of his more ruthlessly ambitious peers… Finney twice turned down the Queen – or at least her government representatives – in declining a CBE in 1980 and a knighthood 20 years later. Finney remarked:

“The ‘Sir’ thing perpetuates one of our diseases which is snobbery and helps to make us ‘quaint’ of which I’m not a great fan.”

Nominated for an Oscar five times Finney declined to attend the ceremony on each occasion.

He was also one of the tiny handful of celebrities ever to turn down the accolade of being a castaway on BBC Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs… He admitted that he would have resented having to talk about himself… His dislike of ‘luvvie’ culture and the more vapid manifestations of the celebrity game, was palpable.

*Sir, When Albert Finney 9 (obituary Feb 9) was awarded an honorary Doctor of Letters, he telephoned his father with the good news. The only comment from his Salford bookmaker father was: “Doctor of Letters? You haven’t written a bloody postcard in three months.”

(David Ganderton, Sale, Cheshire, The Times, 2019)

A modern-day anti-hero?

The Old

Head of an Old Man, 

Alphonse Legros (1837-1911)

Photo Credit: Manchester Art Gallery [CC BY-NC-ND]

Jeremy Paxman has complained in his new column for Saga magazine that elderly people are the last social minority whom it is acceptable to mock. Sorry, I’LL SPEAK UP A BIT, SHALL I. I say, Jeremy Paxman, the nice man from Newsnight, he says that “the snowflakes have taken charge in government and media and the universities” – SNOWFLAKES, DEAR! – and that young people now take offence so easily that “the only sector of society that is fair game is old people”…

But, first, let me insist that Paxman is wrong. “Pensioners are fair game because they do not bite back,” he says, contrasting them with other social groups like “the cops, the legal system, the young, the dim,” that cannot be mocked because of their hypersensitivity.

But they can be. All of them. And indeed they must be. Precisely because of their hypersensitivity…

Can’t mock the police? With their fat arses from sitting about eating pizza and trying to catch criminals online instead of out on the beat, - with their awful polyester work clothes and their institutionalised racism and their ridiculous, over-formal way of talking, always “proceeding to incidents” for “the perusal of ongoing eventualities”? Of course they can be laughed at. They must be. Otherwise we’re halfway to a police state, aren’t we?

Can’t mock the legal system? Jeremy, you quivering jug-eared old whoopsy. Of course we can...

As for the young, they are too busy changing sex and marching for polyamory and crying about hedgehogs to even notice if you take the piss out of them and the dim are, like, more interested in, like, Love Island and posting pics of their bums on Instagram to notice if you … um, wot was the question bruv? …

Sure, I’m not going to insult black people or gay people or the disabled. But not because I put any special ring fence of sensitivity around them, just because it’s been done, it’s over. And I’m not going to laugh at Jews for their big noses and money-grabbing ways and slavish loyalty to “apartheid Israel” because Jeremy Corbyn has that covered, in spades, and I wouldn’t want anyone thinking I was one of his…

(Giles Coren, The Times, 2019)

Giles Coren, what a clever and very funny man. He went on to take the mickey out of the one-armed, the fat, the tall, the people who arrange their bookshelves by colour, women footballers in floods of tears, people who lay astroturf in the garden, the boring, “Glasto” people, electric bike people etc.

The Prom

Cinderella, Valentine Cameron Prinsep (1838-1904) 

Photo Credit: Manchester Art Gallery [CC BY-NC-ND]

When Cara O’Connor finished her GCSEs it marked the end of two years meticulous research and planning.

But this was nothing to do with exam preparation: it was about what she would wear to the prom.

The 16-year-old from Essex estimated that she spent just under £1,000 on her hair, make-up, dress and transport to the event organised by Hall Mead School in Upminster. “I’ve been thinking about it for the last two years,” she said. “It’s hectic to get everything booked up and get ready. You have to do the research to find the best make-up artist. You have to get everything to be perfect. It’s like a wedding. I enjoyed the day but there is a pressure to look perfect and be perfect.

…Elaine Bull, 58, from Ivy Blu bridal and prom shop in Billericay, said… “It has a far more frenzied feel than weddings. A bride doesn’t have competition, does she? But prom girls are in competition with the other girls, they have to be seen wearing the right dress.” She said that the need for a unique prom dress was so important that her shop kept a list for each schoolgirl who came in and what dress she had bought so that no two dresses would appear at the same event.

…Teenagers looking to make a real impact on arrival might ask their parents to dig deep and pay for a helicopter arrival. Brian Moulton, 48, of Atlas Helicopters, offers arrivals for six at a cost of £2,000 plus VAT.

(The Times, 2019)

Giles, Giles Coren!

*Sir, Having read your article about 16 year-old girls suffering from prom mania (Girls gripped by prom mania blow £1,000s on “mini weddings”, ) may I posit a simple solution. Ban the prom! Most of the people involved would heave a collective sigh of relief, including the students. Let’s send this somewhat vulgar import flying back to where it came from.

(Jan Norris, Worcester. The Times, 2019)

*Sir, I agree that school proms should be banned... And while we’re at it can we also do away with the “graduation” ceremonies that include mortarboards and scrolls when four-year olds leave nursery? If we don’t nip these money-making and photographic opportunities in the bud now, the next step will surely be presenting a new-born with an award for graduating from the womb.

(Deb Atkinson, Southport, The Times, 2019)

Letters

In a prison one of the inmates had a heart problem. The doctor, hoping to find any family history of the condition asked if any of his family had died young. “My dad did,” the lag replied. Encouraged, the doctor asked what he had died of. “I killed him,” the inmate said. “That’s why I’m here.”

(The Times, 2019)